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Greg Dekter
Harry’s House

 

 

 

 

 

Welcome home!

We, at Bramalea, sincerely appreciate your decision to purchase a Bramalea Home. Having made this decision, you may find that you have questions about the purchase of your New Bramalea Home. We also recognize the fact that when dealing with a large company, it is sometimes frustrating trying to find the right person to answer those questions. In anticipation of this, some Reminders About the Purchase of a New Bramalea Home have been included with this pamphlet. If you have any further questions related to these Reminders, your Sales Representative, if you can still find him now that he’s made his commission, will pretend to happily answer them for you.

The closing date on your New Bramalea Home is February 25, 1981.

i. Keep in mind that the house exterior and lot may not be finished at the time of closing. Exterior finishes and landscaping are usually undertaken beginning early spring. However, circumstances beyond our control sometimes warrant a change in this schedule.

ii. Be prepared to give your New Bramalea Home a thorough housecleaning. Commercial cleaners will remove basic construction soil and debris, however you will probably find it necessary to go over again in order to meet your own housekeeping standards.

iii. Please note that the acrylic broadloom you have selected is capable of conducting sparks like transformers at a power station just from contact with the wool blend in your socks.

iv. Contact your Service Providers to inform them as to the date you take possession of your New Bramalea Home. Available services include Hydro, Water, Consumer-Gas, Cable Television, Landscaping, Snow Removal, Decorative Plate Collector’s Society Membership, Occasional Delivery of a Random Assortment of Books You’ll Never Read, Cigarette of the Month Club, and Family Members Who Will Come and Clean the Rotten Food Out of Your Crisper Drawers.

v. If you are moving from a small flat or old bungalow, you will likely need to purchase a significant amount of additional furniture and decor to complement your existing collection. Schedule the delivery of all such

homegoods to take place after the closing transactions have been completed. Anything delivered beforehand may be subject to use in the foundation of neighboring homes still under construction.

vi. This can’t be stressed enough. Your New Bramalea Home is far too big. Fill up the vast empty space with as much as you can. If you ever think you’ve run out of room, just build your piles up instead of out.

vii. Ensure that, where applicable, any appliances meet the electrical requirements for new houses. If your circuit breaker overloads, do not attempt to fix it yourself as this may void your middle-class suburban dream.

viii. You have selected the following interior paint colors: Vanilla, Off-White, Antique White, Oyster White, Light Bluebeard, Windham Creme, Lancaster Whitewash, Winthrop Peach, and Dystopian Ivory. As these paints are likely to scuff, chip, fade, and discolor with time, we strongly recommend retaining large amounts of each paint color in your basement. When these cans of paint eventually dry out, we recommend retaining them anyway because it’s easier than lugging them to the curb on trash day.

ix. When closed, your window treatments are designed to create a safe and comfortable interior atmosphere, and to deter the onlook of prowlers. On very unique and very rare occasions, you may wish to draw open your blinds. The sunlight streaming in will illuminate motes of dust as they float around your room like smoke and embers in the updraft of a fire, through a chimney, but the flue is closed.

x. Owning a New Bramalea Home is an honor. Remember to reflect on the good luck, and money from Harry, that got you here.

 


Greg Dekter is a Brooklyn-based artist, interested in collecting, documenting, displaying, and archiving the varieties of everyday experience, and the many tools—intellectual and artistic, real and imagined—that can be used towards that pursuit.